War: October 2007 Archives
What follows is my open letter to Prezzinents Tush Bush. In it, I espouse a fairly unpopular position about an international conflict/crisis, but it's time for simple Americans to stand up and start helping our leader make the decision that he needs to make for the future of human life on this planet. The time is NOW. The enemy is NOT our elected government. No, sir. The enemy is the terrorists.
Dear Mr. Prezinent,
Please bomb the ever-loving fuck out of treacherous terrorland Iran. I've suspected their treachery for a long time, but your team's recent speeches have solidified in my mind the urgent need we all have to spill Iranian blood. There are two reasons why the Iranian Problem can only be solved by annihilating Iranian nationals who stand in our way:
There is also the question of the consequences of starting another bombing campaign. Also, the fact that Iran just threatened to launch 9,000 bombs at nearby American targets if we attack them from the air weighs heavy on the minds of many of the world's citizenry. I know you're too much of a chickenshit pussy to do it, but have you forgotten what we're launching this campaign over? You've got a nuclear weapon. How surprised do you think Iran would be if you just went ahead and shattered their entire populace and infrastructure with a single volley? Again, that's pie in the sky stuff, and I know you're probably a little hesitant. I just want to point out, for the record, that if any bombs hit American people in the region after you launch your attack, their blood will be on your hands for not listening to me and bringing nuclear holocaust upon the Iranian scums.
The time to act is now. We can't allow Iran to get a nuclear device; as your team has stated, we won't allow that to happen. Put your money where your mouth is and put the greatest military this world has ever known to work on the Iranian Problem, and together we can turn it into the Iranian Solution. If you don't, who will? If you don't, who will? I await your answer, Sir, and I only hope that it comes in a low rumble of bombs, followed by the wailing of sirens, lamenting women, and more airborne American ordinance, half a world away. The world will hear our music and know our resolve to defeat terror on this Earth for all of eternity.
P.S. - To all my Iranian friends who may miss the nuance of this message in translation: the preceding was a desperate piece of satire aimed at the sickening times in which we currently find ourselves mired. I hope against hope that my country doesn't bomb you. That is all. Please don't do a whois on me and slit my parents' throats; I wish you no harm. Quite the opposite, actually.
Dear Mr. Prezinent,
Please bomb the ever-loving fuck out of treacherous terrorland Iran. I've suspected their treachery for a long time, but your team's recent speeches have solidified in my mind the urgent need we all have to spill Iranian blood. There are two reasons why the Iranian Problem can only be solved by annihilating Iranian nationals who stand in our way:
- They are building a clandestine nuclear bomb. No international body will ever be able to prove that they're not mere months away from acquiring a nuclear device. Do we have time to wait for that which is never coming? Their unwavering evil efforts to attain a sensitive weapons technology we've repeatedly told them they cannot have must be brought to an end. What do you do when you tell your child he cannot have a cookie, but you think he might be edging toward the cookie jar as he stands in your kitchen under the watchful eye of satellite imagery and the most dialed-in intelligence network the world has ever seen? You split his head open with a hammer. The nerve they have, to actually think that they can eat cookies like we do. Bathe them in fire and let the ashes of their blood choke the lungs of the survivors.
- President Mahmoud Ahmadereacharound is a real douchebag. I'd like to add a cellphone video of him being hanged to my growing collection of videos of terrorists being executed by our comrades. If that's not possible, could we at least bomb the snot and brains out of him, then reassemble his cadaver for a worldwide "kill confirmation" simulcast? I'm honestly having an extra 10 minutes falling asleep every night as I work myself into a frenzy, praying for his death, so the least you could do is kill two birds with one stone and give me back that 10 minutes of my nightly routine. He said, and I'm not exaggerating, that he's planning to strap a nuclear weapon to his chest and detonate it in downtown Jerusalem personally. WHAT MORE CONFIRMATION OF HIS EVILNESS DO YOU NEED?
There is also the question of the consequences of starting another bombing campaign. Also, the fact that Iran just threatened to launch 9,000 bombs at nearby American targets if we attack them from the air weighs heavy on the minds of many of the world's citizenry. I know you're too much of a chickenshit pussy to do it, but have you forgotten what we're launching this campaign over? You've got a nuclear weapon. How surprised do you think Iran would be if you just went ahead and shattered their entire populace and infrastructure with a single volley? Again, that's pie in the sky stuff, and I know you're probably a little hesitant. I just want to point out, for the record, that if any bombs hit American people in the region after you launch your attack, their blood will be on your hands for not listening to me and bringing nuclear holocaust upon the Iranian scums.
The time to act is now. We can't allow Iran to get a nuclear device; as your team has stated, we won't allow that to happen. Put your money where your mouth is and put the greatest military this world has ever known to work on the Iranian Problem, and together we can turn it into the Iranian Solution. If you don't, who will? If you don't, who will? I await your answer, Sir, and I only hope that it comes in a low rumble of bombs, followed by the wailing of sirens, lamenting women, and more airborne American ordinance, half a world away. The world will hear our music and know our resolve to defeat terror on this Earth for all of eternity.
P.S. - To all my Iranian friends who may miss the nuance of this message in translation: the preceding was a desperate piece of satire aimed at the sickening times in which we currently find ourselves mired. I hope against hope that my country doesn't bomb you. That is all. Please don't do a whois on me and slit my parents' throats; I wish you no harm. Quite the opposite, actually.
