Death: August 2007 Archives

News hodgepodge y'all:

Larry Fuckin Craig (R - Idahomo)

Sorry, that was in poor poor taste, but I can at least apologize for something.  Larry Craig has only apologized for pleading guilty to charges he now claims are false.  Fabricated.  He's essentially calling a veteran police sergeant a liar.  We LOVE our law enforcement, and we feel that they answer our nation's call to serve, often plunging headlong into danger and uncertainty.  They are the real heroes of this country.  You know, until they catch you cruising for bathroom blowjobs at an airport; then they're lying scum, not to be trusted.  I personally don't feel he did anything wrong.  If you can't solicit a stranger for sex in a very nonchalant sort of secret cruiser code, then what can you do?

My only problem is the lying.  Just stop with this "he said, he said" balderdash.  When the cop showed you his badge, Mr. Senator, you screamed, "NO!"  Nothing else you say explains that away.  It's the key to this entire case.  Why did you cry out in negatory anguish when some guy next to you pulled out his badge and pointed at the door?  I wouldn't say "NO!!!!!" if I wasn't doin' nothing.  I would, of course, ask, "what?"  It seems to me that any sort of rational person would start with a question or something.  Let's take a look at some more rational responses than "NO!":

1. "What the fuck is that?"
2. "Um, can I help you?"
3. "I swear, I'm not stealing toilet paper!"
4. "What are you, the Feces Police?"
5. "Hey!  Cut that out!"
6. "A little privacy, please."
7. "Oh, shit.  And here I thought you wanted to help me get rid of this raging 62-year-old boner.  Well, let's step outside so you can book me and end my political career.  You caught me red-handed, old sport!"

The Reaper

The U.S. military has had some pretty cool recent advances in remote warfare.  Since 9/11, we've been employing Predator drones (the terrorists are the PREY!), fully loaded with Stinger missiles (ooh, I bet that stings, motherfucker).  We recently introduced armed robots to the battlefields of the war on terror, codenamed SWORDS.  Bad fuckin ass.  Now, we've got a fully-loaded super drone that's on par with a real fighter jet in terms of the payload it carries.  According to USA Today, that's 3,750 lbs. of joystick-operated bombs.  The name?  How about "Reaper," ladies and gents?  You will reap what you sow!  You sowed violence on 9/11, and the fucking Reaper is coming to your home and killing all ur dudes, Usama!  Sorry, this is all a bit out of control.  If we name our next robot "Angel of Death," I'm turning in the keys to my blog.  For reals.  Why don't you just call the next one "Martyrmaker," and get it over with?  I'm sick of this zealous hard-on for blowing people to fuck.  Just because some of their crazies have it doesn't mean my tax bux need to have it. 

One fucking Reaper costs $69 million, btw.

You Would Slit Your Wrist Too, If You Were Owen Wilson

I hate to revel in the pain of others, but someone needed to stop Owen Wilson from turning in a relentless stream of diarrheal movie performances.  Good on him to step up and take care of that.  Maybe the knife he put to his wrist and the pills he guzzled will serve as a wake-up call that it's not too late: he used to be funny about 7 years ago (yep, that's when Meet the Parents came out).  I only have trouble imagining how he lived so long with the turmoil of being what he had become.  That he finally tore at his own circulatory system in a fit of substantiated self-destruction might assure that we'll never see another "YOU ME AND DUPREE."  Honestly, stop being surprised this happened.

I do want to say that my thoughts are with him and his brothers, as well as all of their family.  I wish him a speedy recovery, and I hope the blood he lost is the blood that was flowing in his brain when he read the script for "YOU ME AND DUPREE," and thought, "fuck it, let's go."

My last blog entry wasn't to imply that I'm cool with drunk drivers getting in their cars and turning schoolchildren into pavement paint.  The point is, if you have even half a mind, cars are dangerous fucking business.  It sucks getting behind the wheel, ever.  Even worse, imagine driving across a state with a MPH limit of 70+ in a wind storm.  It's terrorism, plain and simple.  There are a couple of easy ways we could retain the freedom of individuals to operate their own motor vehicles that are currently at our fingertips, and I bet we could cut traffic fatalities in this fucking country in HALF.  IN HALF, in one year.

1. Cap speeds for all motor vehicles at 60 miles per hour.  Restrict the speed limit on freeways and highways to 55 MPH (which was, in more conventional times, thought to be a reasonable traveling speed).  Just because our cars are safer and faster doesn't mean we have to observe the "faster" part all the fucking time.  Imagine a terror free-trip to grandma's house for just a second.  Imagine enjoying the scenery.
2. Mandatory driver's education.  It's staggering how many states have cut this element of public education.  Fuck them all in the ass for arming young drivers with the most dangerous weapon one can wield in this fucking country.
3. Outlaw any use of a cellular phone, for speaking or texting, in an automobile.
4. Equip all vehicles with BAC monitoring hardware.  Anyone above .02 will not be able to start his/her vehicle.  Why go this far?  Because we fucking can, that's why.  If you want to cut out drunk driving, stop pussyfooting around.  Don't complain about the loss of freedom, the simpering lot of you, because you're NOT FREE to drive drunk at the present.  An arbitrary number is currently law, but technology could reduce error to zero, and thereby save many, many lives if there is, indeed, a correlation between drunkenness and fatal accidents.

Anyone, feel free to refute me in my comments section, or offer a counterargument as to why these steps are any different than current laws we already have in place.  I mean, look at it:

1. We already have speed limits.
2. We used to have such programs.
   
3. We enforce laws against not wearing seat belts or watching pornographies in your car, for instance.
4. There is already a limit on alcohol consumption and driving.  It doesn't work.  Shit, it barely does anything.  

I know it would be radically unpopular to implement step 1. and 4. from my argument above, because people wouldn't be able to go out and have a few drinks, and because they'd spend an extra hour driving across Nebraska.  Well fuck it, at least we'd reduce fatalities in half.  Fucking think about it.

Why is there a legal drunk driving limit?  It's fucking stupid.  Some people will say, "if we prevent even ONE death..." but, I'm sorry.  That's a slippery slope to fuck around on, because there are LOTS of things we could be doing to prevent ONE death.  We could outlaw or restrict a lot more stuff.  Is that popular?  Is that what you want?  People kill themselves with lawnmowers, so we could prevent lawnmower deaths by requiring all citizens to keep a billy goat in their toolshed.  Not.

I mean, look at this fucking story:

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration released data showing there were 13,470 deaths in 2006 involving drivers and motorcycle operators with blood alcohol levels of .08 or higher, which is the legal limit for adults throughout the country. The number was down slightly from 2005, when 13,582 people died in crashes involving legally drunk drivers.

We've got this grrrrrreat legal limit for driving drunk, and fuckin' 13,470 Americans still got their asses killed in above-.08 accidents last year.  The number of accidents with any amount of alcohol between .000 and .08 were 4,132.  Four thousand one hundred and thirty two.  What are we really policing here?  People are still dying like it's the fucking holocaust out there, so the law is obviously not having its intended effect.  Either outlaw all BAC levels or get rid of the damned thing.  Oh, but don't most states make between $1,000 and $5,000 in fines from first-time offenders?  Shit, nevermind.  Let's keep that stupid ineffectual piece of shit law on the books.