Recently in Death Category

Barack Obama has brought to the surface the simmering issue we've all faced since the day we were born in this country: we will never view people of a different skin color from our own as our human equivalent.  To be honest, my high school education in Lincoln, Nebraska paid semesters-worth amounts of time to covering thing like segregation, "separate but equal," and apartheid.  What good came of it?  I'm not talking about myself, personally.  What does education do to improve racial equality?  What does seeing many many videos of Southern blacks being sprayed with firehoses in the '60s do to bring one's level of understanding to a new place?

It never does anything.  The biggest single hurdle Obama is facing in his quest for the presidency is that people will judge him by the color of his skin, rather than the quality of his character.  Has there ever been a politician like Mr. Obama?  A black man will be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States.  Look through your history books.  Dissect the imagery.  Give it another look beyond that.  Did you ever expect this in your lifetime?  Whitey could let a black man be ruler of the land.  It's only a few steps from happening.  Will it happen?  How bullshit is it that I need to ask these questions?

As we've seen in West Virginia, and as we'll see in Kentucky, voters are rejecting Mr. Obama outright for the most baseless reasons imaginable.  They don't think he has a way forward for our country.  They think he's secretly a MOOSLEM.  They think all kinds of things which aren't true, and they usually sit in pancake houses and breathe awful, undignified insults to his character to national news reporters through rotten teeth and bits of chewed bacon.  Their color?  White.  These folks is as white as pure snow.

There's a guy out there preaching to the choir.  Educated folks is selecting Obama by a large margin.  Poor workin' folks is exposin' our inherent racism.  No matter what education level you reach, you're a racist.  Period.  You have suspicions about other groups of races getting together and saying things about your race.  Yes, you do.

What do we do?  Why can't Obama be President?  When you sit down in the voting booth (you are white), are YOU going to cast a vote for Mr. Obama over the white war hero John McCain?  These narratives are set up so perfectly.  A secret muslim black against a fuckin' WAR HERO white.  What else can I even say?

We've been worried that the media is controlling our actions for quite some time.  Now, there's a direct application of this principle.  You've got an eloquent, fresh, brilliant man running for president in the hopes of getting to Washington and taking a Real Man look at how business is being done.  On the other hand, you've got a rotten-to-the-core old bastard running for president who eschews Cialis in favor of imagined bombings of dark religious heathens.  Yet, we're divided.  We can't see the way forward.  We are baited into our worst possible instincts.  All of our education is naught in the face of Greta Van Susteren and Karl Rove sitting in a tiny studio playing clips of a black preacher taken out of context from a 7-year-old sermon and repeating line after line after line after line of sicko hitjob politics in order to crucify the black man on a modern media cross.  For the corporate good.  To make the shareholders get that extra-special chub as they hit the golf course this Friday morning in resplendent spring sunlight.  You can't even smell the dust wafting in from Iraq's freshest smoldering child-remains-crater.

Let's go on with our business.  We can't elect a black man to president.  It's just not possible; the media just can't allow itself to tell the truth about what really might be afoot in our world.  No.  No, we can't.  We sure, sure can't.

If you haven't been following media coverage of Benazir Bhutto's assassination at the hands of the Pakistani government, it's been pretty goddamn hilarious.  Javed Iqbal Cheema, the "Interior Ministry Spokesman" for the Musharraf government, has been busy at work making Baghdad Bob look like a patron saint of truth-telling.  Fox News has lapped up his every rezonkulous claim and regurgitated his unchecked words as "headlinable fact."  Witness:

If you look at their coverage splash from a few days ago, the following UNCHECKED FACTS become undisputed rightwinger currency:

1. Al Qaida himself sent a bomber to shoot at/frighten Benazir Bhutto
2. Benazir Bhutto was so scared by the bomb that she hit her head on a sunroof lever and died immediately
3. "The government says" is good enough, even when said government is pretty decent at routinely being FUCKING LIARS.

I honestly am a little glad that the guy who writes the headlines onto AP images at FoxNews got his chance to put over the official government (our government) line:  "Whatever the Pakistani government says is what the U.S. government's media wing reports, just like 'whatever the U.S. government says is what the U.S. government's media wing reports,' only funnier."  You decide.

Here's the video showing the shirt on Bhutto's back painted red with her own blood, in perfect sync with gunshots ringing out.  Good thing the Pakistani government has assured us that everything will be cleared up once they exhume her and send us a written transcript (no media!!!~) of the re-autopsy.  I was confused.

America is a country.  We're sick; deeply sick.  Injured.  We've suffered injurious amounts of sickness in a particular dimension of our being, amounting to the current confused state in which we all find ourselves.  Who are we anymore?

When there's some awful malady that you can't ignore, the only way out is pain or death.  Pain is suffered for the fix; the surgery.  Which part needs surgery?  The back?  Is our back figuratively broken?  No.  You will never break the back of America.  The backbone of America is embodied by some 67-year-old guy named Gus who gets up at 5:30 AM to head down to the city square and clean up your trash.  That's the American back, and it remains healthy as hell.

Legs?  A broken leg(s)?  No, those are just fine. That's our economy, sound as ever.  Cyclical, yes.  The left leg of the government moves in time with the right leg of the free market.  We would go in a fucking circle without one sweeping forward to carry the momentum of the other.  There are rough times, but these legs cannot be broken.

Maybe our country has suffered a broken arm.  Nope, doesn't seem that way to me.  We trade with other nations and we produce our own goods just as well as anyone else on Earth.  Maybe one arm takes more than the other produces, but that's not a broken arm.  That's just confusion.  Why so confused?  Hold on a sec.

I have to address the heart.  The heart of this country is not broken.  They're serving in Baghdad and Kabul and anywhere else they are sent.  They enable the flow of freedom through our circulatory system just like they always have, pumping and pumping in perfect athletic fitness.  Our defenses alone determine the ability of our arms to reach and build and destroy, all through the providence of freedom's deep crimson bloodflow.  Our blood burns hot as our heart suffers blow after blow, but it is not broken.  Not yet.

Where are we at?  What is broken?  Why, it's the brain, you see.  We've lost our conscience.  Without a journalistic media that oversees and exposes the governance put forth by the other parts of the brain, we are addled by whatever wishes and fantasies those who are in control of every other part so desire.  Corrupt and gripped with megalomania, psychotic murder-sick justifications of mass killing, and unimpeded desire to consume and alter everything within our sphere of being, we find our body out of control.

The conscience alone could correct this horrid affliction, but as such an abstract device in our body's function, it has been lost to the omnivorous greed of our brain's center: the ruling class.  With the passion in our heart and the freedom in our blood, we the people of these United States (the moral instinct) could compel ourselves to be rid of the sickness that gnaws the inner workings of our brain and drives our entire body ever further toward ruin.

Surgery could fix the conscience.  Excision of the old conscience and implanting a new one built on the moral instinct of our blood and moment could be the one fix that saves the brain, correcting the corruptive forces of the dominant ruling section.  Our overtaxed and overworked body could begin to relax again.  We could stop leaping over oceans and partitions, suffering constant bruises and infections, and we could just be again, walking along with the twin legs of economy, the arms taking and giving what is needed, and the back providing steady guidance and upright movement.

Destroy the mass media.  Fuck them all.  Let's get together and poison their efforts, check their every injustice, and lay bare their every trick.  A malfunctioning part of our figurative mind cannot poison our blood, it can only compel us toward slow suicide.  It must be our instinct to push back.

What follows is my open letter to Prezzinents Tush Bush.  In it, I espouse a fairly unpopular position about an international conflict/crisis, but it's time for simple Americans to stand up and start helping our leader make the decision that he needs to make for the future of human life on this planet.  The time is NOW.  The enemy is NOT our elected government.  No, sir.  The enemy is the terrorists.

Dear Mr. Prezinent,

Please bomb the ever-loving fuck out of treacherous terrorland Iran.  I've suspected their treachery for a long time, but your team's recent speeches have solidified in my mind the urgent need we all have to spill Iranian blood.  There are two reasons why the Iranian Problem can only be solved by annihilating Iranian nationals who stand in our way:

1. They are building a clandestine nuclear bomb.  No international body will ever be able to prove that they're not mere months away from acquiring a nuclear device.  Do we have time to wait for that which is never coming?  Their unwavering evil efforts to attain a sensitive weapons technology we've repeatedly told them they cannot have must be brought to an end.  What do you do when you tell your child he cannot have a cookie, but you think he might be edging toward the cookie jar as he stands in your kitchen under the watchful eye of satellite imagery and the most dialed-in intelligence network the world has ever seen?  You split his head open with a hammer. The nerve they have, to actually think that they can eat cookies like we do.  Bathe them in fire and let the ashes of their blood choke the lungs of the survivors.


2. President Mahmoud Ahmadereacharound is a real douchebag.  I'd like to add a cellphone video of him being hanged to my growing collection of videos of terrorists being executed by our comrades.  If that's not possible, could we at least bomb the snot and brains out of him, then reassemble his cadaver for a worldwide "kill confirmation" simulcast?  I'm honestly having an extra 10 minutes falling asleep every night as I work myself into a frenzy, praying for his death, so the least you could do is kill two birds with one stone and give me back that 10 minutes of my nightly routine.  He said, and I'm not exaggerating, that he's planning to strap a nuclear weapon to his chest and detonate it in downtown Jerusalem personally. WHAT MORE CONFIRMATION OF HIS EVILNESS DO YOU NEED?

I know you have a great many political considerations in this country before you can just, you know, drop millions upon millions of pounds of beautiful, candy-like bombs all over the Iranian landscape.  Some people probably disagree with that.  I have two words: internment camp.  Nuff said?  No?  Ok, here's another one: we have sophisticated poisons, biological agents, and a brilliant set of wires and tubes to help you identify the threats at home.  For what are you waiting?  Those who would delay us, question our motives, or express a will different than that of, well, you, need to be silenced.  Forever.  Please kill all the Democrats.

There is also the question of the consequences of starting another bombing campaign.  Also, the fact that Iran just threatened to launch 9,000 bombs at nearby American targets if we attack them from the air weighs heavy on the minds of many of the world's citizenry.  I know you're too much of a chickenshit pussy to do it, but have you forgotten what we're launching this campaign over?  You've got a nuclear weapon.  How surprised do you think Iran would be if you just went ahead and shattered their entire populace and infrastructure with a single volley?  Again, that's pie in the sky stuff, and I know you're probably a little hesitant.  I just want to point out, for the record, that if any bombs hit American people in the region after you launch your attack, their blood will be on your hands for not listening to me and bringing nuclear holocaust upon the Iranian scums.

The time to act is now.  We can't allow Iran to get a nuclear device; as your team has stated, we won't allow that to happen.  Put your money where your mouth is and put the greatest military this world has ever known to work on the Iranian Problem, and together we can turn it into the Iranian Solution.  If you don't, who will?  If you don't, who will?  I await your answer, Sir, and I only hope that it comes in a low rumble of bombs, followed by the wailing of sirens, lamenting women, and more airborne American ordinance, half a world away.  The world will hear our music and know our resolve to defeat terror on this Earth for all of eternity.


P.S. - To all my Iranian friends who may miss the nuance of this message in translation: the preceding was a desperate piece of satire aimed at the sickening times in which we currently find ourselves mired.  I hope against hope that my country doesn't bomb you.  That is all.  Please don't do a whois on me and slit my parents' throats; I wish you no harm.  Quite the opposite, actually.

Lead Us, O Mongoloid

We don't mind where you take us
When we signed up for this, we loved our country
We still do
But we'll follow your heart to the end of the world and back

We'll bring the plunder of our great riches
All the people of the world will sing our songs
Lead us, O Mongoloid
Boy king with mandate and agenda

Don't ever stray from point, O Sir
Keep your enemies, both domestic and foreign, at bay
Still their tongues and poison their dissent
Lead us onward into battle

Let us slay your enemies
When we signed up for this, we loved our country
We still do
But we'll follow your commands; we'll walk into a towering inferno for your love

My mom misses me
I do not think of that
There is killing to do, O Mongoloid
And I love you, too

News hodgepodge y'all:

Larry Fuckin Craig (R - Idahomo)

Sorry, that was in poor poor taste, but I can at least apologize for something.  Larry Craig has only apologized for pleading guilty to charges he now claims are false.  Fabricated.  He's essentially calling a veteran police sergeant a liar.  We LOVE our law enforcement, and we feel that they answer our nation's call to serve, often plunging headlong into danger and uncertainty.  They are the real heroes of this country.  You know, until they catch you cruising for bathroom blowjobs at an airport; then they're lying scum, not to be trusted.  I personally don't feel he did anything wrong.  If you can't solicit a stranger for sex in a very nonchalant sort of secret cruiser code, then what can you do?

My only problem is the lying.  Just stop with this "he said, he said" balderdash.  When the cop showed you his badge, Mr. Senator, you screamed, "NO!"  Nothing else you say explains that away.  It's the key to this entire case.  Why did you cry out in negatory anguish when some guy next to you pulled out his badge and pointed at the door?  I wouldn't say "NO!!!!!" if I wasn't doin' nothing.  I would, of course, ask, "what?"  It seems to me that any sort of rational person would start with a question or something.  Let's take a look at some more rational responses than "NO!":

1. "What the fuck is that?"
2. "Um, can I help you?"
3. "I swear, I'm not stealing toilet paper!"
4. "What are you, the Feces Police?"
5. "Hey!  Cut that out!"
6. "A little privacy, please."
7. "Oh, shit.  And here I thought you wanted to help me get rid of this raging 62-year-old boner.  Well, let's step outside so you can book me and end my political career.  You caught me red-handed, old sport!"

The Reaper

The U.S. military has had some pretty cool recent advances in remote warfare.  Since 9/11, we've been employing Predator drones (the terrorists are the PREY!), fully loaded with Stinger missiles (ooh, I bet that stings, motherfucker).  We recently introduced armed robots to the battlefields of the war on terror, codenamed SWORDS.  Bad fuckin ass.  Now, we've got a fully-loaded super drone that's on par with a real fighter jet in terms of the payload it carries.  According to USA Today, that's 3,750 lbs. of joystick-operated bombs.  The name?  How about "Reaper," ladies and gents?  You will reap what you sow!  You sowed violence on 9/11, and the fucking Reaper is coming to your home and killing all ur dudes, Usama!  Sorry, this is all a bit out of control.  If we name our next robot "Angel of Death," I'm turning in the keys to my blog.  For reals.  Why don't you just call the next one "Martyrmaker," and get it over with?  I'm sick of this zealous hard-on for blowing people to fuck.  Just because some of their crazies have it doesn't mean my tax bux need to have it. 

One fucking Reaper costs $69 million, btw.

You Would Slit Your Wrist Too, If You Were Owen Wilson

I hate to revel in the pain of others, but someone needed to stop Owen Wilson from turning in a relentless stream of diarrheal movie performances.  Good on him to step up and take care of that.  Maybe the knife he put to his wrist and the pills he guzzled will serve as a wake-up call that it's not too late: he used to be funny about 7 years ago (yep, that's when Meet the Parents came out).  I only have trouble imagining how he lived so long with the turmoil of being what he had become.  That he finally tore at his own circulatory system in a fit of substantiated self-destruction might assure that we'll never see another "YOU ME AND DUPREE."  Honestly, stop being surprised this happened.

I do want to say that my thoughts are with him and his brothers, as well as all of their family.  I wish him a speedy recovery, and I hope the blood he lost is the blood that was flowing in his brain when he read the script for "YOU ME AND DUPREE," and thought, "fuck it, let's go."

My last blog entry wasn't to imply that I'm cool with drunk drivers getting in their cars and turning schoolchildren into pavement paint.  The point is, if you have even half a mind, cars are dangerous fucking business.  It sucks getting behind the wheel, ever.  Even worse, imagine driving across a state with a MPH limit of 70+ in a wind storm.  It's terrorism, plain and simple.  There are a couple of easy ways we could retain the freedom of individuals to operate their own motor vehicles that are currently at our fingertips, and I bet we could cut traffic fatalities in this fucking country in HALF.  IN HALF, in one year.

1. Cap speeds for all motor vehicles at 60 miles per hour.  Restrict the speed limit on freeways and highways to 55 MPH (which was, in more conventional times, thought to be a reasonable traveling speed).  Just because our cars are safer and faster doesn't mean we have to observe the "faster" part all the fucking time.  Imagine a terror free-trip to grandma's house for just a second.  Imagine enjoying the scenery.
2. Mandatory driver's education.  It's staggering how many states have cut this element of public education.  Fuck them all in the ass for arming young drivers with the most dangerous weapon one can wield in this fucking country.
3. Outlaw any use of a cellular phone, for speaking or texting, in an automobile.
4. Equip all vehicles with BAC monitoring hardware.  Anyone above .02 will not be able to start his/her vehicle.  Why go this far?  Because we fucking can, that's why.  If you want to cut out drunk driving, stop pussyfooting around.  Don't complain about the loss of freedom, the simpering lot of you, because you're NOT FREE to drive drunk at the present.  An arbitrary number is currently law, but technology could reduce error to zero, and thereby save many, many lives if there is, indeed, a correlation between drunkenness and fatal accidents.

Anyone, feel free to refute me in my comments section, or offer a counterargument as to why these steps are any different than current laws we already have in place.  I mean, look at it:

1. We already have speed limits.
2. We used to have such programs.
   
3. We enforce laws against not wearing seat belts or watching pornographies in your car, for instance.
4. There is already a limit on alcohol consumption and driving.  It doesn't work.  Shit, it barely does anything.  

I know it would be radically unpopular to implement step 1. and 4. from my argument above, because people wouldn't be able to go out and have a few drinks, and because they'd spend an extra hour driving across Nebraska.  Well fuck it, at least we'd reduce fatalities in half.  Fucking think about it.

Why is there a legal drunk driving limit?  It's fucking stupid.  Some people will say, "if we prevent even ONE death..." but, I'm sorry.  That's a slippery slope to fuck around on, because there are LOTS of things we could be doing to prevent ONE death.  We could outlaw or restrict a lot more stuff.  Is that popular?  Is that what you want?  People kill themselves with lawnmowers, so we could prevent lawnmower deaths by requiring all citizens to keep a billy goat in their toolshed.  Not.

I mean, look at this fucking story:

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration released data showing there were 13,470 deaths in 2006 involving drivers and motorcycle operators with blood alcohol levels of .08 or higher, which is the legal limit for adults throughout the country. The number was down slightly from 2005, when 13,582 people died in crashes involving legally drunk drivers.

We've got this grrrrrreat legal limit for driving drunk, and fuckin' 13,470 Americans still got their asses killed in above-.08 accidents last year.  The number of accidents with any amount of alcohol between .000 and .08 were 4,132.  Four thousand one hundred and thirty two.  What are we really policing here?  People are still dying like it's the fucking holocaust out there, so the law is obviously not having its intended effect.  Either outlaw all BAC levels or get rid of the damned thing.  Oh, but don't most states make between $1,000 and $5,000 in fines from first-time offenders?  Shit, nevermind.  Let's keep that stupid ineffectual piece of shit law on the books.