Current Events: August 2007 Archives

See my earlier post for details.  Here's a reimagining of a popular misunderstanding currently making headlines:

DK (Sgt. Dave Karsnia): Alright. Cool.  Did you do anything with your right arm and right hand?

LC (Senator Larry Craig): I suppose I moved it, yeah.  I have this nervous condition, uhm, and sometimes

my arm goes out like, "yeah!"  About eye level.  I'm a fairly nervous guy.

DK: Understood.

LC: So I had one of those, you know, uh, I'd call it the "elephant trunk" effect.

DK: Okay.                                                          

LC: It relieves nervous tension.  It's like sneezing, but I wouldn't, ah, it's harmless.  Involuntary, really.  Limp.

DK: Okay.                                                          

LC: Did I touch your hair?  Did I, I caught a glance when I noticed my arm was having a fit, your face was close to my hand.

DK: Yes.

LC: Did I punch you?  Like, in the eyeball?  Ah, you said so, I don't recall that, but apparently you have a black eye.

DK: Yeah, well your hand did touch my eyeball; you sort of invaded my bubble.  Like, my imaginary private space.

LC: All right.

DK: Okay.  And then with the two fingers. Urn, how many times did you make your fingers into a "V," and then jab them into my eyes? 

LC: I don't recall.  I remember making the "peace" sign.  There was a hippie having a cigarette nearby, and I wanted to express mock solidarity with his nonviolent foreign policy ideas.

DK: Ok.  Did you shout, "take that, bacon!" when you were doing that?

LC: I don't recall.

DK: Okay.  I don't think I could make something like that up.

LC: All right.

"I have no recollection, Senator."
          -- Robert Ritter

Is anyone else sick of this "do not recall" horse shit?  You can be in trouble for anything in the entire world, and all trouble can be wiped away if your only answer to any charges -- or any territory in which certain acknowledgments of having a functioning brain might put you in slight jeopardy -- is that you "have no recollection."  Former A.G. Alberto Gonzales took the art of "no recall" to dizzying new heights with his several appearances before congressional committees, some of which had him decrying his ability to recall his own thoughts and actions at least 50 times in a few hours of testimony.  He quit, yeah, but he didn't get in trouble for having the brain of a 12 year old F.A.S. addled problem child.  Nobody called him on that shit; not really.

If you thought "do not recall," as a popular phrase, had experienced its best moment in human history in any of this recent American political wrangling, you were as delighted as I was this afternoon. Witness, in the case of admittedly indecent Senator Larry Craig, the transcript of his police interview, which was recorded shortly after his arrest at the Minneapolis International Airport (great place, btw).  Key word being shortly, as in, "not even longer than the length of a short comedy movie":

DK (Sgt. Dave Karsnia): Okay. Did you do anything with your feet?

LC (Senator Larry Craig): Positioned them, I don't know. I don't know at the time. I'm a fairly wide guy.

DK: I understand.

LC: I had to spread my legs.

DK: Okay.

LC: When I lower my pants so they won't slide.

DK: Okay.

LC: Did I slide them too close to yours? Did I, I looked down once, your foot was close to mine.

DK Yes.

LC Did we bump? Ah, you said so, I don't recall that, but apparently we were close.

DK Yeah, well your foot did touch mine, on my side of the stall.

LC: All right.

DK: Okay. And then with the hand. Urn, how many times did you put your hand under the stall?

LC: I don't recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of toilet paper back behind me and picking it up.

DK: Okay. Was your was your palm down or up when you were doing that?

LC: I don't recall.

DK: Okay. I recall your palm being up. Okay.

LC: All right.

Quick question: have you EVER had a stranger, in a stall next to you in a public restroom facility, touch you, in any way, shape or form, in the entirety of your human life?  Think really hard about it.  I think, if a stranger's foot happened to receive a tap from my fucking foot, due to any action performed in a public restroom stall on my part, I'd be able to recall that, pretty clearly.  I know I would immediately apologize and be ridiculously embarrassed.  Now that this tape has come out, there is no other explanation for Senator Larry Craig's "wide stance" (that he didn't do anything inappropriate, and that he doesn't recall important details of the time shortly before his criminal arrest) of no wrongdoing.  He is a liar.  A fucking embarrassment to our United States.

Somebody link him to this blog and see if he wants to debate me on this.

News hodgepodge y'all:

Larry Fuckin Craig (R - Idahomo)

Sorry, that was in poor poor taste, but I can at least apologize for something.  Larry Craig has only apologized for pleading guilty to charges he now claims are false.  Fabricated.  He's essentially calling a veteran police sergeant a liar.  We LOVE our law enforcement, and we feel that they answer our nation's call to serve, often plunging headlong into danger and uncertainty.  They are the real heroes of this country.  You know, until they catch you cruising for bathroom blowjobs at an airport; then they're lying scum, not to be trusted.  I personally don't feel he did anything wrong.  If you can't solicit a stranger for sex in a very nonchalant sort of secret cruiser code, then what can you do?

My only problem is the lying.  Just stop with this "he said, he said" balderdash.  When the cop showed you his badge, Mr. Senator, you screamed, "NO!"  Nothing else you say explains that away.  It's the key to this entire case.  Why did you cry out in negatory anguish when some guy next to you pulled out his badge and pointed at the door?  I wouldn't say "NO!!!!!" if I wasn't doin' nothing.  I would, of course, ask, "what?"  It seems to me that any sort of rational person would start with a question or something.  Let's take a look at some more rational responses than "NO!":

1. "What the fuck is that?"
2. "Um, can I help you?"
3. "I swear, I'm not stealing toilet paper!"
4. "What are you, the Feces Police?"
5. "Hey!  Cut that out!"
6. "A little privacy, please."
7. "Oh, shit.  And here I thought you wanted to help me get rid of this raging 62-year-old boner.  Well, let's step outside so you can book me and end my political career.  You caught me red-handed, old sport!"

The Reaper

The U.S. military has had some pretty cool recent advances in remote warfare.  Since 9/11, we've been employing Predator drones (the terrorists are the PREY!), fully loaded with Stinger missiles (ooh, I bet that stings, motherfucker).  We recently introduced armed robots to the battlefields of the war on terror, codenamed SWORDS.  Bad fuckin ass.  Now, we've got a fully-loaded super drone that's on par with a real fighter jet in terms of the payload it carries.  According to USA Today, that's 3,750 lbs. of joystick-operated bombs.  The name?  How about "Reaper," ladies and gents?  You will reap what you sow!  You sowed violence on 9/11, and the fucking Reaper is coming to your home and killing all ur dudes, Usama!  Sorry, this is all a bit out of control.  If we name our next robot "Angel of Death," I'm turning in the keys to my blog.  For reals.  Why don't you just call the next one "Martyrmaker," and get it over with?  I'm sick of this zealous hard-on for blowing people to fuck.  Just because some of their crazies have it doesn't mean my tax bux need to have it. 

One fucking Reaper costs $69 million, btw.

You Would Slit Your Wrist Too, If You Were Owen Wilson

I hate to revel in the pain of others, but someone needed to stop Owen Wilson from turning in a relentless stream of diarrheal movie performances.  Good on him to step up and take care of that.  Maybe the knife he put to his wrist and the pills he guzzled will serve as a wake-up call that it's not too late: he used to be funny about 7 years ago (yep, that's when Meet the Parents came out).  I only have trouble imagining how he lived so long with the turmoil of being what he had become.  That he finally tore at his own circulatory system in a fit of substantiated self-destruction might assure that we'll never see another "YOU ME AND DUPREE."  Honestly, stop being surprised this happened.

I do want to say that my thoughts are with him and his brothers, as well as all of their family.  I wish him a speedy recovery, and I hope the blood he lost is the blood that was flowing in his brain when he read the script for "YOU ME AND DUPREE," and thought, "fuck it, let's go."

I went to MSNBC today and saw a curious story about the Michael Vick... err.  Imbroglio?  Controversy?  Uh, crisis?  What is it?  As far as I know, he treated some of his fighting dogs like a young serial killer treats forest creatures and early pets.  NBC news has a fabulous report on the "divide" amongst African-American leaders; some want to reserve judgment, while others are calling for his reinstatement to the NFL (though the league hasn't done anything yet).  The story became outrageously funny, however, when star reporter A. Johnson cited the writings of Rev. Al Sharpton.  Oh yeah, take a look:

Most recently, the Rev. Al Sharpton, a two-time Democratic presidential candidate, charged that a star white athlete never would have been prosecuted for the same crime.

Like Hayes, Sharpton has denounced images of dogfighting in popular black culture, and he signed a letter along with hip-hop executive Russell Simmons condemning the activity as ignorant and cruel.

But at the same time, Sharpton argued that the prosecution of Vick was overkill.

"If the police caught Brett Favre (a white quarterback for the Green Bay Packers) running a dolphin-fighting ring out of his pool, where dolphins with spears attached to their foreheads fought each other, would they bust him? Of course not," Sharpton wrote Tuesday on his personal blog.

"They would get his autograph, commend him on his tightly spiraled forward passes, then bet on one of his dolphins."

The only problem is, Sharpton never said any such thing. If you take a quick gander at the site they linked to, which Mr. Johnson apparently thought was real, you see that it's Newsgroper.com, which posts a bunch of stupid phony blogs for any given celebrity or politician under the sun. The funniest part is how people visit the site (when linked to by fine outlets like NBC) and comment against the purported author, thinking it's just as real as NBC News thought it was. LOL!  Look at this gem, railing against Mr. Sharpton's post:

Mr. Al Sharpton,
You must be off your nut. Michael Vick is pleading guilty because, hello...he IS guilty and he needs to burn in hades for his atrocities toward dogs. And by the way: can you post your certificate that you are truly a reverend, because let me tell you something: you act ANYTHING BUT ONE.
I am a black man from Old Hickory and you disgust me.You and Michael Vick, the lowest form of scum on the planet.

Follow the link for more hilarity, including predictable racist comments.  The blog won't remove them, obviously, because they're in the business to generate such dreck from misfits who believe these myriad spoof blogs are real, even after they've hit "submit" on their comment.  I asked MSNBC to correct or remove the story, and I'm sure many others have, as well.  Take a look while it's hot.

UPDATE!  They took the quote attributed to Sharpton out of the story.  It doesn't mean I'm going to take this blog entry down; oh no.  Outlets who will post something from the web without checking out the source him/herself need to learn a lesson.  If anyone involved with the story wants to comment, you know where to do it.  Thanks.

Why is there a legal drunk driving limit?  It's fucking stupid.  Some people will say, "if we prevent even ONE death..." but, I'm sorry.  That's a slippery slope to fuck around on, because there are LOTS of things we could be doing to prevent ONE death.  We could outlaw or restrict a lot more stuff.  Is that popular?  Is that what you want?  People kill themselves with lawnmowers, so we could prevent lawnmower deaths by requiring all citizens to keep a billy goat in their toolshed.  Not.

I mean, look at this fucking story:

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration released data showing there were 13,470 deaths in 2006 involving drivers and motorcycle operators with blood alcohol levels of .08 or higher, which is the legal limit for adults throughout the country. The number was down slightly from 2005, when 13,582 people died in crashes involving legally drunk drivers.

We've got this grrrrrreat legal limit for driving drunk, and fuckin' 13,470 Americans still got their asses killed in above-.08 accidents last year.  The number of accidents with any amount of alcohol between .000 and .08 were 4,132.  Four thousand one hundred and thirty two.  What are we really policing here?  People are still dying like it's the fucking holocaust out there, so the law is obviously not having its intended effect.  Either outlaw all BAC levels or get rid of the damned thing.  Oh, but don't most states make between $1,000 and $5,000 in fines from first-time offenders?  Shit, nevermind.  Let's keep that stupid ineffectual piece of shit law on the books.