Total Fucking Destruction

Microsoft Research's HDView (beta) is pretty cool

2008-09-05T06:57:36Z

Get a load of this shit. MSNBC has been posting ultra-HD pictures from the RNC; pictures you can zoom & scan with this cool browser plugin from MS Research called HDView.

It might sound hokey, and it kinda is. But, it's powerful. Imagine being able to use it for many world locations for realtime HD views, and you start to see the possibilities. At McCain's big acceptance speech, I was able to find Karl Rove. You can't hide, you pudgy evil fuck! Here, look:

Enjoy your big moment, Karl!

Movie Review: You Don't Mess With the Zohan (2008)

2008-06-27T08:13:43Z

At once the single stupidest, most insulting motion picture I have ever watched in my entire life.

For the lion's share of Sandler's movie career, he has been an unassuming buffoon who dispatches his tormentors with bouts of wheezing, nasally cries of rage and outlandish, disproportionate, often shocking acts of physical violence.

In this turn, he is a full realization of the entity to which he has always aspired. He is superhuman; invincible. He has an enormous package and fucks every woman he sees. In every situation into which he enters, he is almost godlike in his ability to overwhelm every one and every thing he touches.

Why is this troublesome to me? The movie is racist, senseless, baseless, humorless, xenophobic, fantastically psychotic and violent, tone-deaf, sickening, hateful, spiteful, scornful, mirthless, witless, and pointless.

The protagonist rejoices in his ability to debase elderly women in a serial, bafflingly intense way. He perpetrates violence on young children, animals, or anyone who gets in his way. Yeah? He plays hacky-sack with a cat, or urinates on it, or smothers it in hummus. Why? What on Earth is this egomaniacal, outrageously unfunny, insanely mindbending display of comic action, bodily fluid slapstick, and conflict-dismissing descent into complete and utter nihilistic, pan-corporate, godforsaken human degradation? Why does Mr. Sandler wander across a beach, fully nude, catching both a hacky-sack and a grilled fish in his ass cheeks within the span of 2 minutes?

I should've walked out. I stayed until the last frame, hating this abomination with every fiber of my being. This is is neither comedy nor entertainment. It is agonizing tragedy. It is Adam Sandler masturbating into a violin on film while we all march toward the Auschwitz of our human souls.

Please, Jesus, strike dead tonight Misters Smigel, Sandler, and Apatow, as well as anyone who aided and abetted them in producing and unleashing this visual, auditory, and experiential atrocity.

Zero stars.

Hi YouTube!

2008-06-04T09:09:16Z

Welcome to my website. I don't usually blog about politics, because they are stupid. However, I couldn't help but be completely taken by the massive divide between the two presumptive mano e mano dudes we were presented with earlier this evening. So, I created a video. I hope everyone on Earth sees it, because it's a complete embarrassment to the worthless old bastard the Republicans chose through their careful, hasty primary process. Obama's a good guy. McCain's a rotten old bastard.

Basically, that's all you need to know. Please leave me alone and don't leave comments on any blogs on this fucking blog. Hackers broke the cgi script, and I never rewrote it, because I don't care what anyone has to say on my bluggins anyway. Good day, y'all!

No, we can't

2008-05-16T06:12:11Z

Barack Obama has brought to the surface the simmering issue we've all faced since the day we were born in this country: we will never view people of a different skin color from our own as our human equivalent. To be honest, my high school education in Lincoln, Nebraska paid semesters-worth amounts of time to covering thing like segregation, "separate but equal," and apartheid. What good came of it? I'm not talking about myself, personally. What does education do to improve racial equality? What does seeing many many videos of Southern blacks being sprayed with firehoses in the '60s do to bring one's level of understanding to a new place?

It never does anything. The biggest single hurdle Obama is facing in his quest for the presidency is that people will judge him by the color of his skin, rather than the quality of his character. Has there ever been a politician like Mr. Obama? A black man will be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States. Look through your history books. Dissect the imagery. Give it another look beyond that. Did you ever expect this in your lifetime? Whitey could let a black man be ruler of the land. It's only a few steps from happening. Will it happen? How bullshit is it that I need to ask these questions?

As we've seen in West Virginia, and as we'll see in Kentucky, voters are rejecting Mr. Obama outright for the most baseless reasons imaginable. They don't think he has a way forward for our country. They think he's secretly a MOOSLEM. They think all kinds of things which aren't true, and they usually sit in pancake houses and breathe awful, undignified insults to his character to national news reporters through rotten teeth and bits of chewed bacon. Their color? White. These folks is as white as pure snow.

There's a guy out there preaching to the choir. Educated folks is selecting Obama by a large margin. Poor workin' folks is exposin' our inherent racism. No matter what education level you reach, you're a racist. Period. You have suspicions about other groups of races getting together and saying things about your race. Yes, you do.

What do we do? Why can't Obama be President? When you sit down in the voting booth (you are white), are YOU going to cast a vote for Mr. Obama over the white war hero John McCain? These narratives are set up so perfectly. A secret muslim black against a fuckin' WAR HERO white. What else can I even say?

We've been worried that the media is controlling our actions for quite some time. Now, there's a direct application of this principle. You've got an eloquent, fresh, brilliant man running for president in the hopes of getting to Washington and taking a Real Man look at how business is being done. On the other hand, you've got a rotten-to-the-core old bastard running for president who eschews Cialis in favor of imagined bombings of dark religious heathens. Yet, we're divided. We can't see the way forward. We are baited into our worst possible instincts. All of our education is naught in the face of Greta Van Susteren and Karl Rove sitting in a tiny studio playing clips of a black preacher taken out of context from a 7-year-old sermon and repeating line after line after line after line of sicko hitjob politics in order to crucify the black man on a modern media cross. For the corporate good. To make the shareholders get that extra-special chub as they hit the golf course this Friday morning in resplendent spring sunlight. You can't even smell the dust wafting in from Iraq's freshest smoldering child-remains-crater.

Let's go on with our business. We can't elect a black man to president. It's just not possible; the media just can't allow itself to tell the truth about what really might be afoot in our world. No. No, we can't. We sure, sure can't.

The Real-Ass Casual Gamer is Back with a Bat: Grand Theft Auto IV and the Most Underserved Market Segment in Gaming History

2008-04-29T05:31:04Z

Analysts are now predicting that Grand Theft Auto IV will sell 9,000,000 copies at launch. That's 9,000,000 people buying a single game title, at a price point ranging from sixty god damn dollars all the way up to ninety (I'm personally going in for the $90) at fucking launch. A little poking around on VGChartz.com has let me know that San Andreas topped out around 17,000,000 copies across platforms. This is roughly equivalent to the sales numbers of Super Mario Bros 3, which topped out just north of 17,000,000 copies moved as well (and is actually mistakenly thought to be the best-selling game of all time by many folks).

You remember the 80s? The era of big hair, big cars, and big money for Nintendo of America. Every fucking family in this country either possessed or was in lack of an 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System; the artform of interactive livingroom entertainment itself was reclassified as "Nintendo" in popular lexicon, not unlike the way Kleenex replaced "facial tissue." With such wide penetration and such ubiquitous market mindshare and presence, you simply can't get more casual than the NES. All this Wii noize you're hearing now? It's actually approaching the NES, but it's not even close. No one was concerned about how these families were moving Mario and Link and all their cohorts around the screen with this complicated space-age controller interface. No. Not at all, in fact. You move the guy with this one and you jump with this one. That one is superspeed but you don't need it to have fun. Period.

Something created a great disconnect as these people stopped buying carts, right? Nintendo reimplemented analog controls in their mid-nineties console, desperately trying to grab back market share from the new kings of top-of-mind: Sony. Yeah yeah, fuck it. You don't need a fucking history lesson. The point is, there is this mistaken assumption out there that games are too intimidating for COMMON FOLKS and they don't know how to move a stick around and push some buttons and hit a trigger. For casual games to really hit mass consciousness, you need to dumb down all controls to simple (actually cumbersome and frustrating in the current implementation) gestures and pointing at shit. Then, and only then, can you appeal to the "casual gaming audience" and engage them in their living rooms.

What fucking absolute horse shit. I am insulted as a human being that we've got an industry press and large R&D departments at major hardware manufacturers saying that a fucking interface device with analog sticks and an array of conveniently-positioned buttons is too hard for people to understand. You think the 9,000,000 people buying Grand Theft Auto IV at launch are rocket scientists? Mega Uber Hardcore Gaming Cocks? No, no they sure aren't. They're geniuses and they're idiots. They dutifully pump your gas while simultaneously keeping your email account secure from hackers. They are jr. high dropouts; they are post-secondary degree possessing authorities on technology or medicine or business. What could bring such a disparate group of people together, all rallying around a single gameplay experience?

Because it contains something they all want. It might be different for you than it is for Hank, but it's something which is compelling that erstwhile "gamer" to pick up a controller and give it a go. Long before the PS2 became a jukebox attached to microphones, drums, and cheap plastic guitars, it was a cash cow profit center. And, every citizen of every country who bought one brought it home, unpacked it, and began interfacing with a device with more than 15 digital inputs and two analog sticks. What were they doing? Why was Sony profitable with such a hard-to-pick-up-for-the-average-idiot controller? How did we all get along before the RevolUTION!?!?

Those people have been forgotten. The vast array of casual gamers who made PS2 the victor of the last generation are presently being underserved by this notion that their play experiences of the past were not simple enough. The presentation too whizzamatronic, the interface too cumbersome, and the games themselves way way too hardcore. It's all twisted around. Just because really shitty "casual" games with motion control are really popular with kids, parents, old folks, and everyone else, people are pretending that the entire game has changed. That all gaming experiences can be condensed into your right hand, the way you move it, and ancient presentational elements scurrying around the screen collecting apples.

It's exactly the same in the PC web (flash) game market. Why are these games huge and profitable? Because it's easy to get into, it's universal, and it's free! It reminds me of something else which just isn't coming to mind... ..wait! I got it! Hold onto your hats for this next part.

The "casual" web gaming market is to the actual home interactive entertainment market as video pornography is to the actual motion picture theatre/DVD/broadcast market. No shit. Porn? Anyone can generate it; in their basement, in their bath tub, in their automobile... and it still holds some kind of market appeal. People want to see people naked, and doing stuff. Likewise, anyone can generate a "casual" web game. In their basement, in their bath tub, in their automobile... and it still holds some kind of market appeal. You have major-studio porn just like you have major studio "casual" PC games. They hold about the same level of interest. They're both vastly profitable, and growing astronomically as the Devil takes control of more and more "idle hands" across this increasingly digitized world. All of it is equally meaningless.

A large interactive entertainment studio has traditionally been about universal entertainment and ambitious gameplay themes -- things which captivate, inspire, and move you. Likewise (you see that I keep just comparing shit), the large motion picture studio has traditionally been about bringing droves of people to movie theatres. How casual is Titanic? It's, like, the most casual motion picture ever made! Do you see how fucking stupid these distinctions are becoming in interactive entertainment?

It's all about artistic expression. It always has been. And, with a game like Grand Theft Auto IV, it's an expression of that which makes video gaming essentially different from all other forms of entertainment: you are free. You take this man, and you move him. Left. Right. Jump. Shoot a fucking bazooka. These things will never change, and it appears that Rockstar North has created the state of the art in interactive freedom, while taking the expressiveness of the supporting game content to dizzying, delightful new heights.

Fuck "casual" gaming. I'm thinking about the underserved casual gaming market in the console space as those same people who want big experiences for their bucks. They saw Titanic eight times just like they bought The Lion King on DVD just like they think Legend of Zelda 10 sounds like an enticing proposition. Yes, these people watch porn, too, just like they do "casual" gaming late at night for hours on end without realizing why they're doing what they're doing. The average "casual" gamer, to me, could be approximated by some 35 year old bus driver spending all hours at Habbo Hotel, creeping up on people and then just standing there. Dick in hand. Guy is watching a windowed porno.

I hope I'm making myself clear. It's attention span. It's storytelling. It's universality. It's about making people DESIRE to get lost in your game or story or contest or struggle. It's all essentially human, but one method of interactive entertainment operates on a different plane than another, and doesn't allow the "other" to pretend to be a useful substitute. We don't go down to the Cinemaplex and watch two dudes tagteam a MILF in the back of a moving ice cream truck.

Let's stop catering to people who buy toys instead of games. Let's start hitting this VASTLY UNDERSERVED market; the likes of which is willing to snatch up NINE FUCKING MILLION copies of a "hardcore, obtuse" game title on opening day. You think these people aren't ready to spend money? You think they're satisfied swatting their fists in the air while pansexual ditties play and little cartoon FUCKS dance around onscreen? Let's leave the children at a different table than the one at which we all dine. Let's do this right.

You hear me. You know I'm right. Do it.

Big fucking hard drive

2008-02-27T05:48:39Z

I just bought a really big fucking external hard drive. It's like 750 gigabytes, which is a shit ton of fuck. It's funny, though - when I bought the components to my new PC a year ago, I was like, "hmmm, 250 GB should last me for a few years." I'm on pace to shatter that within one year, and I couldn't even tell you how. Not a single byte of the drive space consumption is naughty movies, and I've only installed like 4 games. It's just getting out of control with music and funny vids and shit.

Anyhow, I was really struck by how odd it is to be buying storage in that quantity. I mean, adding it up, HOLY FUCK I'LL HAVE A FUCKING TB SITTING ON THE CORNER OF MY DESK. It was hard to imagine such a thing only a handful of years ago. Shit, my fam's 1st PC was like 850 MB. And now what do I have, like 750,000,000 kilobytes, roughly? It's funny that a 10 KB image is still fine enough to capture a fully recognizable image of my face. So, I could pass it to someone who knew me, on a flash card, and they'd say, "Adam!" It's amazing that you can do that -- something so universal and undeniably powerful -- with such a comparably infinitesimal portion of a modern hard disk drive.

What I've been discussing is the simple idea of a 10 KB visual depiction of my face being dwarfed into practical nonexistence by the medium which would store and retain it. Can you imagine that, in our lifetimes, a similar, let's say, 80 terabyte disk image of an exact replica of one's own human mind might be likewise rendered fully insignificant, by even the unfathomably large capacity storage devices we'll carry around in our front pockets?

Well, that is, if the terrorists don't destroy our civilization first and send all our progress back to the Dark Ages. That's why I'm voting McCain in '08.

Ugly Old Bastards

2008-02-21T06:14:53Z

Why does our country have to be run by ugly, disgusting old bastards with withered, distended old bodies horribly aged and deformed by power and evil? Witness:

It's grossing me out.

Webcammin' with Big Spoon Mitt Romney

2008-01-22T05:33:02Z

Holy shit, y'all! I gotta say, when I submitted a request with Mitt Romney's press team to conduct a one-on-one webcam chat with the big spoon presidential candidate, I expected to be turned down out of hand. My oh my! In a huge coup, Mitt decided to sit down with Adam Danger dot com for a chat to discuss the issues.

Well, or at least that was the idea. He's a real perv! I have the whole transcript, but check out this bizarre series of statements by Mr. Romney:

Hit the jump fuckas:

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As though I didn't get it or something, Mr. Romney then proceeded to get really, to be honest, a lot grosser. Check it out:

After that, I swear, it was like 25 straight seconds of silence. On my transcript, I just wrote [extended silence]. And he kept smiling right into me, this big creepy grin. Then he said:

Creepy, man. Just, creepy.

Javed Iqbal Cheema + Fox News Channel = Best buds

2007-12-31T04:40:42Z

If you haven't been following media coverage of Benazir Bhutto's assassination at the hands of the Pakistani government, it's been pretty goddamn hilarious. Javed Iqbal Cheema, the "Interior Ministry Spokesman" for the Musharraf government, has been busy at work making Baghdad Bob look like a patron saint of truth-telling. Fox News has lapped up his every rezonkulous claim and regurgitated his unchecked words as "headlinable fact." Witness:

If you look at their coverage splash from a few days ago, the following UNCHECKED FACTS become undisputed rightwinger currency:

Al Qaida himself sent a bomber to shoot at/frighten Benazir Bhutto
Benazir Bhutto was so scared by the bomb that she hit her head on a sunroof lever and died immediately
"The government says" is good enough, even when said government is pretty decent at routinely being FUCKING LIARS.

I honestly am a little glad that the guy who writes the headlines onto AP images at FoxNews got his chance to put over the official government (our government) line: "Whatever the Pakistani government says is what the U.S. government's media wing reports, just like 'whatever the U.S. government says is what the U.S. government's media wing reports,' only funnier." You decide.

Here's the video showing the shirt on Bhutto's back painted red with her own blood, in perfect sync with gunshots ringing out. Good thing the Pakistani government has assured us that everything will be cleared up once they exhume her and send us a written transcript (no media!!!~) of the re-autopsy. I was confused.

Manifleshto

2007-12-21T08:20:57Z

America is a country. We're sick; deeply sick. Injured. We've suffered injurious amounts of sickness in a particular dimension of our being, amounting to the current confused state in which we all find ourselves. Who are we anymore?

When there's some awful malady that you can't ignore, the only way out is pain or death. Pain is suffered for the fix; the surgery. Which part needs surgery? The back? Is our back figuratively broken? No. You will never break the back of America. The backbone of America is embodied by some 67-year-old guy named Gus who gets up at 5:30 AM to head down to the city square and clean up your trash. That's the American back, and it remains healthy as hell.

Legs? A broken leg(s)? No, those are just fine. That's our economy, sound as ever. Cyclical, yes. The left leg of the government moves in time with the right leg of the free market. We would go in a fucking circle without one sweeping forward to carry the momentum of the other. There are rough times, but these legs cannot be broken.

Maybe our country has suffered a broken arm. Nope, doesn't seem that way to me. We trade with other nations and we produce our own goods just as well as anyone else on Earth. Maybe one arm takes more than the other produces, but that's not a broken arm. That's just confusion. Why so confused? Hold on a sec.

I have to address the heart. The heart of this country is not broken. They're serving in Baghdad and Kabul and anywhere else they are sent. They enable the flow of freedom through our circulatory system just like they always have, pumping and pumping in perfect athletic fitness. Our defenses alone determine the ability of our arms to reach and build and destroy, all through the providence of freedom's deep crimson bloodflow. Our blood burns hot as our heart suffers blow after blow, but it is not broken. Not yet.

Where are we at? What is broken? Why, it's the brain, you see. We've lost our conscience. Without a journalistic media that oversees and exposes the governance put forth by the other parts of the brain, we are addled by whatever wishes and fantasies those who are in control of every other part so desire. Corrupt and gripped with megalomania, psychotic murder-sick justifications of mass killing, and unimpeded desire to consume and alter everything within our sphere of being, we find our body out of control.

The conscience alone could correct this horrid affliction, but as such an abstract device in our body's function, it has been lost to the omnivorous greed of our brain's center: the ruling class. With the passion in our heart and the freedom in our blood, we the people of these United States (the moral instinct) could compel ourselves to be rid of the sickness that gnaws the inner workings of our brain and drives our entire body ever further toward ruin.

Surgery could fix the conscience. Excision of the old conscience and implanting a new one built on the moral instinct of our blood and moment could be the one fix that saves the brain, correcting the corruptive forces of the dominant ruling section. Our overtaxed and overworked body could begin to relax again. We could stop leaping over oceans and partitions, suffering constant bruises and infections, and we could just be again, walking along with the twin legs of economy, the arms taking and giving what is needed, and the back providing steady guidance and upright movement.

Destroy the mass media. Fuck them all. Let's get together and poison their efforts, check their every injustice, and lay bare their every trick. A malfunctioning part of our figurative mind cannot poison our blood, it can only compel us toward slow suicide. It must be our instinct to push back.

9/11 Madness: Getting concise and cutting to the quick

2007-11-13T07:06:54Z

Just a mini-essay here, but this sprang from an intimate conversation with my brother. For the full text, pretend you're with the NSA and phone up an inexperienced information services rep at AOL. The gist, anyway, is that 9/11 has gotten to a fever-pitch of discussion in this country. You're batshit insane if you think there were charges in the twin towers and the government had a hand in perpetrating the attack.

However, well, fuck; just read the piece:

What's wrong with the official account of 9/11? Key components of the way the day unfolded were covered up and whitewashed to conceal the utter, abject failure of our government to defend us and defend itself when attacked directly. You find all kinds of inconsistencies, embarrassments, and things not adding up in the official account, because we were caught with our pants down, in terms of preparedness. Our guys did everything they could to hammer into a quick and dirty narrative the freakish ease with which the enraged Saudis brought our nation to its knees with a little out-of-the-box thinking.

To make public all of those key pieces would only be to expose that which is painfully true, lately, in times of crisis, when it's all gazed at under the unflinching microscope of the internet's power: Our government is run by a bunch of well-groomed children, who don't know what to do in any crisis more than what they find in their guts, or in the writings of their ponderous predecessors.

If you think a bunch of careerist babies in positions of great power are going to, when faced with the decision to either lay bare their rank ineptitude, or to claim "privilege" and "national security" in order to keep secret their shameful, systemic uselessness, admit to the fact that they didn't belong where they belong and don't belong anywhere else in future administration of any sort, well... you're stupid.

Would you cop to being inept? Would you cop to just how exposed your backside is on a given day, if a real enemy wants to give it a go? Would you really admit anything? Or would you shut it all up and do your best to make sure no one knows just how fragile and frail is your thin little grip on things like "interior intelligence," "air superiority," and "total aerial lockdown?" Everyone all throughout your national defense network, both before and after the crime, performed about as well as an 85 year old janitor, charged with security, who happened to be whacking it in the bathroom while his erstwhile bank got robbed blind by a handful of keystone crooks armed with nothing but boxcutters and terroristic threats. Are you going to admit something like that when it's not really even required? I'd take the "make everything secret" route, personally.

For the security of the country, if nothing else.

Jihadis? Seriously?

2007-11-02T23:48:20Z

I had forgotten frmr President William Jefferson Clinton had a speaking engagement near my home this morning. Imagine my surprise, then, when I saw one of these babies roll by me on W. Lake Sammamwich Drive as I made my commute:

Holy piss, man. Honestly, one man needs this kind of security? Against... terrorists? Jihadis? Seriously? The Jihadis require us to send in fucking SWAT vehicles as a precaution? Did Usama bin Ladin recruit RoboCop or something? I just have to question this threat we supposedly face. I think it's becoming patently ridiculous, and I'm beginning to think that maybe the Powers to Be know something I don't know. That maybe the threat to these politician scumbags isn't terrahwrists. Something to chew on. Carry on.

Dear Mr. Prezinent, Please bomb the ever-loving fuck out of treacherous terrorland Iran, ASAP

2007-10-23T04:47:35Z

What follows is my open letter to Prezzinents ~~Tush~~ Bush. In it, I espouse a fairly unpopular position about an international conflict/crisis, but it's time for simple Americans to stand up and start helping our leader make the decision that he needs to make for the future of human life on this planet. The time is NOW. The enemy is NOT our elected government. No, sir. The enemy is the terrorists.

Dear Mr. Prezinent,

Please bomb the ever-loving fuck out of treacherous terrorland Iran. I've suspected their treachery for a long time, but your team's recent speeches have solidified in my mind the urgent need we all have to spill Iranian blood. There are two reasons why the Iranian Problem can only be solved by annihilating Iranian nationals who stand in our way:

They are building a clandestine nuclear bomb. No international body will ever be able to prove that they're not mere months away from acquiring a nuclear device. Do we have time to wait for that which is never coming? Their unwavering evil efforts to attain a sensitive weapons technology we've repeatedly told them they cannot have must be brought to an end. What do you do when you tell your child he cannot have a cookie, but you think he might be edging toward the cookie jar as he stands in your kitchen under the watchful eye of satellite imagery and the most dialed-in intelligence network the world has ever seen? You split his head open with a hammer. The nerve they have, to actually think that they can eat cookies like we do. Bathe them in fire and let the ashes of their blood choke the lungs of the survivors.

President Mahmoud Ahmadereacharound is a real douchebag. I'd like to add a cellphone video of him being hanged to my growing collection of videos of terrorists being executed by our comrades. If that's not possible, could we at least bomb the snot and brains out of him, then reassemble his cadaver for a worldwide "kill confirmation" simulcast? I'm honestly having an extra 10 minutes falling asleep every night as I work myself into a frenzy, praying for his death, so the least you could do is kill two birds with one stone and give me back that 10 minutes of my nightly routine. He said, and I'm not exaggerating, that he's planning to strap a nuclear weapon to his chest and detonate it in downtown Jerusalem personally. WHAT MORE CONFIRMATION OF HIS EVILNESS DO YOU NEED?

I know you have a great many political considerations in this country before you can just, you know, drop millions upon millions of pounds of beautiful, candy-like bombs all over the Iranian landscape. Some people probably disagree with that. I have two words: internment camp. Nuff said? No? Ok, here's another one: we have sophisticated poisons, biological agents, and a brilliant set of wires and tubes to help you identify the threats at home. For what are you waiting? Those who would delay us, question our motives, or express a will different than that of, well, you, need to be silenced. Forever. Please kill all the Democrats.

There is also the question of the consequences of starting another bombing campaign. Also, the fact that Iran just threatened to launch 9,000 bombs at nearby American targets if we attack them from the air weighs heavy on the minds of many of the world's citizenry. I know you're too much of a chickenshit pussy to do it, but have you forgotten what we're launching this campaign over? You've got a nuclear weapon. How surprised do you think Iran would be if you just went ahead and shattered their entire populace and infrastructure with a single volley? Again, that's pie in the sky stuff, and I know you're probably a little hesitant. I just want to point out, for the record, that if any bombs hit American people in the region after you launch your attack, their blood will be on your hands for not listening to me and bringing nuclear holocaust upon the Iranian scums.

The time to act is now. We can't allow Iran to get a nuclear device; as your team has stated, we won't allow that to happen. Put your money where your mouth is and put the greatest military this world has ever known to work on the Iranian Problem, and together we can turn it into the Iranian Solution. If you don't, who will? If you don't, who will? I await your answer, Sir, and I only hope that it comes in a low rumble of bombs, followed by the wailing of sirens, lamenting women, and more airborne American ordinance, half a world away. The world will hear our music and know our resolve to defeat terror on this Earth for all of eternity.

P.S. - To all my Iranian friends who may miss the nuance of this message in translation: the preceding was a desperate piece of satire aimed at the sickening times in which we currently find ourselves mired. I hope against hope that my country doesn't bomb you. That is all. Please don't do a whois on me and slit my parents' throats; I wish you no harm. Quite the opposite, actually.

Indecipherable static

2007-09-24T03:35:10Z

I've been hung up on the idea of people who drive around listening to indecipherable static. No, I'm not talking about the new 50 Cent album. When I worked as a valet, I would sometimes enter cars from a variety of guests for the purpose of putting the cars away. Intermittently, but more than I ever would've expected, I would valet a car for a folk/pair of folks/group of folks that had the radio tuned to channels which don't come in. Rental cars, usually, and usually older people. A married couple, for instance, would pick up a car from the airport, get in, and drive the 15 minutes to the downtown hotel with the radio on -- tuned into pure static. That sound you get when you're between actual channels.

How could you sit there in your car with your wife, listening to nothing but indecipherable static, and not mind? I'm saying this was usually turned up to entirely audible levels. Who is the person who gets to that point? Will that happen to me someday, when I will be able to be such a dried up, useless person, that I will not even notice that the radio in my rental car isn't actually tuned to a channel, but I'm driving around listening to it?

Specifically, who are these people? They didn't even take the time to turn the radio off; indecipherable static, at a clearly audible level, was good enough. I'm wondering if they even spoke to one another, most times. I'm wondering if it says more about our society, as it relates to our minds and our attention span. Probably not, but it's an intriguing phenomenon. You may have never imagined that people would regularly do this, but I'm sad to report that many people (probably unintentionally) engaged in such an activity. Who are they?

Lead us, O Mongoloid

2007-09-22T00:11:31Z

Lead Us, O Mongoloid

We don't mind where you take us
When we signed up for this, we loved our country
We still do
But we'll follow your heart to the end of the world and back

We'll bring the plunder of our great riches
All the people of the world will sing our songs
Lead us, O Mongoloid
Boy king with mandate and agenda

Don't ever stray from point, O Sir
Keep your enemies, both domestic and foreign, at bay
Still their tongues and poison their dissent
Lead us onward into battle

Let us slay your enemies
When we signed up for this, we loved our country
We still do
But we'll follow your commands; we'll walk into a towering inferno for your love

My mom misses me
I do not think of that
There is killing to do, O Mongoloid
And I love you, too