If you didn't know, The Punisher is a bad-ass. He's a vigilante who
considers killing, kidnapping, extortion, and threats of violence as
good methods of crimefighting.
Ha ha, you're right! I remember him! HA HA HA!
Oh, yeah! That's what I was thinking when I bought [The Punisher]; man, was I let down!
Yeah, you definitely weren't thinking, "Hey, I need to review
another old game to justify my nonsense job! This one looks good!" I know you were expecting a fully-realized use of the Punisher license from a 17-year-old 8-bit game.
[footage of the intro screen]When I hit the intro screen,
my first thought was that my NES had cut out. [screen flashes to show
Punisher firing two machineguns from 2nd-person perspective] Then I
realized it was some great programming.
I think more 60-second retro reviews should pad out 10 seconds
nitpicking the fucking INTRO screen. (which is actually an effective
intro screen, BTW)
[continuing] Let's talk about the music: there's hardly any! You have the intro screen, the game over screen, and randomly throughout the levels is a dude on the streets playing the sax.
Yeah, sax guy is a little weird. The reason there's no music is
because of hardware limitations; Punisher and his enemies firing
furiously at one another is the soundtrack. Nothin' beats
that sweet-sweet sound of the Supergun mowing creeps like tall grass!
And, Nitty Nitlicker: if you were any good, you'd note that there's
bad-ass scoring for the end credits, and you're also just being
tendentious by not mentioning the music for Punisher's narrated
passages and all boss fights.
In any case, this is panning out to be a shoddy, conveniently mendacious edition of Video Game Vault, so far!
The funniest part of this game is when you accidentally --
or intentionally -- shoot [sax man]. When he dies, the music sounds
like it's dying. That's hilarious...
HA HA HA! So funny!
...and quite possibly the greatest thing in this game.
You're not qualified to do this.
The game is a shooter -- a very boring shooter -- the bad
guys sound like they have cap guns, and it's almost easier to just move
The Punisher to dodge bullets and not even shoot 'em!
Saying it's "a very boring shooter," while failing to adequately
explain why you believe that is, doesn't make any case for your points
at all. You're bored with it, maybe, but it's actually pretty good
compared to similar fare published at the time, especially in the 8-bit
on-rails shooter club. Again, you have quibbles with the sound
hardware, and it's technically NOT almost easier to move The Punisher
and dodge bullets without shooting, as you gain health, ammo,
health-bar upgrades, weapon upgrades, explosives, and extra lives by
shooting the enemies. You can't advance in the game without shooting at
the enemies, so there is no case to be made (even jokingly) for
avoiding shooting at enemies as a good strategy for winning the game.
I guess The Punisher hates where all the bad guys are; you
destroy everything in their neighborhoods, even street signs. Not even
innocent people are safe where The Punisher goes.
I guess Mario hates where all the koopa are; you destroy everything
in their neighborhoods, even bricks. Fucking get some real points,
assfuck.
I hated this game.
I hated you. And, BTW, what did you expect, going in?
There are newspapers that give you obvious hints, stages that look exactly the same, and it's boring as hell.
1. Don't shoot the newspapers, then.
2. And this was never a complaint with almost literally all other NES games?
3. Again, why? I could say anything is boring as hell, but that doesn't tell anyone anything. Don Giovanni? Boring as hell. Schindler's List?
Boring as hell. Buying groceries? Boring as hell. Watching half-doped,
disingenuous, ScrewAttack bullcock when I should be watching the GTAIV
trailer? Boring as hell.
Why couldn't they make this game more like the arcade [show footage of The Punisher for arcade hardware]?
Easy answer! Because it was made to be profitable by LJN Toys for
8-bit hardware, and the gameplay format they chose for the project was
an on-rails sidescrolling gallery shooter. Furthermore, it was released
3 years prior to the arcade project, so it probably hadn't occurred to
them they should faithfully port THE FUTURE you fucking cunt.
This game is an embarrassment to The Punisher.
LOL, don't take this shit so serious, dog! I can't believe, also,
that you think a game, where you kill 120 criminals walking around on
the streets over the course of one 8 minute level, barely ever taking
your finger off the trigga, is somehow antithetical to the spirit of
The Punisher. You just don't get out much, do you?
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