Oprah Sex Fuck Hour

They show a short feature on "Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease." Pole dancing is the new hotness to get you all bitches in shape. Really? Man, and here I thought everyone was still hooked on Tae-Bo. Consulting my internets, Carmen Electra's little strip aerobics came out in 2003, so I would say its fad has definitely passed. Oprah's all about letting her behind-the-times audience in on new tips from 4 years ago, though.

We're introduced to our expert #3, Sheila Kelley. "Every woman could benefit" by stripping, says Ms. Kelley. She claims it "unlocks this [pause] erotic creature that lives inside of them. In their pelvic area." I'll save you the doubletake: she said all women have an erotic creature living inside their pelvic region. In her employ are 5 full-time teachers, who instruct a total of 250 students on advanced and various stripping techniques. Kelley says, "they celebrate each other's sensuality, beauty, and eroticism." The "S Factor" is what she has titled her program, which is alleged to help women awaken their sexy; to own their body. The gist: It's not about taking your clothes off, it's about celebrating your beauty and curves. What part does the male audience celebrate as their unshapely Oprah disciple wives take this all to heart? Uncomfortable grimacing, accompanied by unexpected rigidity related to foreign movements from a familiar female? I just get the feeling that this whole program doesn't take the male into consideration. Yeah, the audience is whooping and hollering, but there's nothing here about what to do if your husband/boyfriend is uninterested, unreceptive, addicted to spanking roleplay chatrooms, etc.

Suburban mom Heather isn't just made over, she's also getting pole dance pointers. Her husband is sweating, visibly irritated, and flushed, as the camera repeatedly cuts to him as Oprah preps us for his wife's eventual erotic dance routine. And he's crying! His wife comes out on stage and starts doing a pole dance routine! In the split screen, he's intermittently wiping tears, smiling, and applauding. I can't get a read on the guy. He's either remarkably elated, or he's imagining being somewhere else, to help carry him through the most awkward moment of his life. "We're proud of you," Oprah beams.

Coming up, Oprah says, "Sheila teaches us the stripper walk. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!"

The key to the stripper walk, says Ms. Kelley, is that, "you wanna get your breasts out there, you wanna get your butt out there!" There's nothing sexy about Oprah walking around like a stripper, as the panel of experts all attempt to follow the instructions of Sheila. Now, the women all learn to sway their hips slowly, and how to take their shirt off. Sheila does finally take off her shirt, revealing more flesh to staggering applause from the 98% female audience. Okay, DON'T any of you fucking bitches in this particular studio audience EVER fucking complain if your husband goes to a strip club, even once.

The next presentation comes from a 40 year old housewife, Marcia. She feels helpless about being sexy. "I was raised to be a good girl," she says. "I wanna find my inner sexpot that is missing!"

The expert panelists all agree -- and make sure to qualify all of this slutty talk with the caveat -- you can be a good girl and be sexy. Kim Cattrall spoils the disclaimer a bit by quipping, "you can be very good at a lot of different things?" What? Like slobbing the knob? Taking cock in the poop chute? Catching? What exactly are we talking about, here? I mean, it seems like a lot of typical unspeakable things are bandied about lightly by these ladies. It's a tad strange; surreal to be watching. We follow Marcia shopping for lingerie. In the audience, we have another nerdy husband, sweating, waiting, and being filmed shifting about nervously. Wow, his forehead is sparkling with sweat! A little hot around the collar in here! The lady is tastefully dressed, actually. It appears to be a nice makeover. Are we supposed to picture her husband getting busy on her? This is very personal stuff, you know. It's odd to see it trotted around in public. Sheila exclaims, "I found my sexpot!"

Oprah teases the next segment, promising, "see what happens when we sent a couple, married for 26 years, to a TANTRIC _SEX_ CLASS." Seriously, what the fuck is going on this world?

The willing participant in this humiliating nonsense is a mother from the northern woods of Michigan. She's a 54 year old school teacher, ready to wake up her inner sexpot. Cheryl, as she is called, says, "I want that spark, I want excitement... I'm ready to try something sexy, daring, and fun!" Might I suggest sleeping around?

Oprah flew a homosexual stylist from L.A. up to Michigan to make Cheryl look hot (well, as hot as you can make a frumpy middle-aged teacher). He painted her up like a real whore alright! She stands up in front of the Oprah crowd as the host orders her, with a hand gesture, to turn around and show everyone her backside. Oprah's like some sort of lecherous Univision show host! WOO! Large cheers!

As a primer on tantric lovemaking, we take a look at a past Oprah interview with Sting and his wife about how they fuck each other. Oprah appends their discussion of their fuck with, "I'm getting a little tingly just hearing about it!" Winfrey and her producers sent a couple, who are tantric sex instructors, to northern Michigan, in hopes to teach Cheryl and Mike to fuck each other longer and deeper. They are taught techniques including sexual breathing and increase of orgasmic energy. Leaving nothing to the imagination, Cheryl concludes the video segment, saying, "and now we're going to go have some _tantric sex_." Her husband goofily giggles and shuffles backward into his home as his wife, the school marm, closes the door behind them.

After that bizarre display we take a look at the couple back in the studio, where Mike's face is turning an alarming shade of "I'm choking to death" crimson, while Oprah questions his wife on their fuck.

Yet another mom, Mary Anne, is brought to the chopping block, and we'll take a look at her living arrangements for this segment. As we are examining her bedroom, she asks, "would you wanna have sex in this room?" She complains, "everything in our marriage is about our daughter, or watching some sports on TV." Mary Anne is brought out with her new look (you don't get through this, no matter your complaint, without a glamorous makeover), and she has a seat with her husband. Oprah will purportedly help them set up their room for optimal fucking. Not joking. She didn't say that, but it is what they are planning. Ms. Winfrey's sex-oriented interior design expert helpfully explains, after examining Mary Anne's (and her inconsequential husband's) bedroom, that the following are no-nos for your room: too much furniture, any sports paraphernalia, and Playstation.

As the sex fuck hour concludes, we get the final thoughts from Oprah's experts.
Oprah: "Are you feeling sexier?"
Sheila: "Let [your inner pelvic sexual beast] out."
Mikki: "Live without hesitation."
Kim Cattrall: "I don't wear anything to bed."

I don't even know where to begin in assessing the implications of this hour of programming. It was definitely all about the ladies, as the men in their lives were neither spoken to, nor heard from. I'm a very open person, I don't think there's anything embarrassing about sexuality, but god damn was this an uncomfortable look at Oprah's reprogramming of our dear mother class. It's the idea that it's fun to act like, dress like, and eroticize your relationship like a slut or a stripper -- women Oprah's audience will ordinarily heap loathing and scorn upon -- but the real thing which you are emulating is unacceptable. As men, what is our equivalent? We look up to sluts (man they get a lot of trim) and strippers (it takes some fucking work to get your body that jacked). I would say, in sexual terms, we look down upon rapists, pedophiles, and (from the hetero perspective) homosexual men. I can tell you, we can't derive anything mutually gratifying from emulating these types in a sexual man-woman environment. What are we left with?

I guess we sit back and enjoy the show, like we have done for millennia. I suppose if any of you wants a heaping dose of post-post-modern absurdity, try watching daytime programming that's not programmed for you, whatsoever. Imagine my shock covering this, as I have never watched a full episode of Oprah, until today. I would only recommend you don't try and make sense of Oprah's celebration of turning your mom into a pole dancing cock slave.